I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks.

It’s been 10 days. Weird, but true. Since then I turned down a job, got another job offer, applied for another job, got a job as a substitute teacher for rainy days, am going crazy thinking about grad school, bought a sofa and feel pretty much the same.

I thought that as soon as RUF told me it was over and that weight of fundraising was off of my shoulders I would be right back to a “normal” life. It’s not so simple. Now I have just picked up another weight; what am I doing? I usually laugh around every hour when I realize what I have been doing for that hour, or that day. So about the jobs, there are none I want and if there are guess what I am not “qualified” to them. Apparently in the four years I was in college they changed their minds on what qualifications means. Now it means you have to 5 years or more of experience doing exactly what the job you are applying for is. I’m sorry I am confused as to why anyone is applying to your open position that already has a job for a steady 5 years doing this SAME thing. Anyways it’s weird. You need experience, I get it.

So the jobs I want I can’t have and the jobs I get offered are stinky pay with no benefits. Needless to say I am still holding out but I will know in a week what the official deal is. In the mean time I am driving myself crazy thinking about graduate school. I always told myself that I wanted to either go to grad school or seminary and get a masters in counseling. And by always I mean in July I decided this. While yes the pregnancy center has been extremely good to me in spurring on my heart for counseling women, I find myself wanting to study it so badly. I find it all extremely interesting and to have a masters in a field where I can really see myself permanently is really exciting. I’ve also found out you can do numerous things with said degree and it interests me even more.

But here are my negatives. I don’t want to just do it cause its easy (even though it definitely won’t be). I don’t want to jump into fast either (although the application is due October 1^st). Money (ahhhhh what a scary thing, yet I think I can pay for it with me working).

Here I am left thinking still. But enjoying tremendously the grace of God and his provision in even the hard realities of life.

It's funny when you find things.....

Found this post lingering on my computer waiting to be posted but never having the chance. I figure why not............

I am definitely not one for words these days but I will attempt summarizing what is going through my thoughts as of now. As most you know by now I am no longer continuing with raising support because as of yesterday I am not an employee with RUF. I was around 20% short of a deadline I was suppose to meet on Monday. And it wasn’t an impromptu good-bye it was well thought out by the staff in Atlanta. Personally I wasn’t seeing how the rest of the finances would come about either. That’s not to say that I couldn’t have faith in God and his provision (as he has seemingly provided ever penny of the 50% I did get), there just comes a bit of concern when you are still in need of $15,000 and not sure that there is another person you know to ask.

This summer has been extremely hard, but worth every tear and laugh. It wasn’t really until two weeks ago that I begun to think “Oh no! This might not happen? What the hang!” And through those two weeks I learned more about my sin than the whole summer really. I learned about how eager I am to be independent apart from anything and everyone. How easily I am moved to immaturity when my “dreams” are threatened. That I have a lot of emotions that I have kept hidden away for a long time because of a wrong imagine of them being a weakness.

So when I got the dreaded email about this Monday being “the Monday” all those emotions came pouring out, I think it was best that I was by myself because frankly I would have put someone like me in the mental institution after that fit. But then I breathed and realized…… I am alive:) I am alive and my soul is well. I am alive in Christ. Yes tomorrow is going to be very confusing. Yes I love RUF and wanted so badly to be apart of what they are doing in the kingdom of Christ. Yes I thought Western was a perfect fit for me and that Dave was an amazing campus minister, one whom I would have gotten along well with. Yes I was following everything my heart wanted and now it can’t have it. But I am filled with a rest and peace that is only found in Christ Jesus.

Its funny when “dramatic” things happen say you thought you were doing one thing one day and the next have no clue what to do people start chiming in. Not to say it’s a bad thing at all, I personally think its great cause it shows people’s character and what they may have been through. Anyways I have had variety of response.

“Don’t worry God has something better.” – I personally don’t like this one. As a human my thinking is one track and one dimensional, I clearly don’t see anything better or I wouldn’t be so upset!

And then it just ends so there you go......

Right Now.

It certainly has been awhile. Since I last wrote I have moved back home, thus left Richmond, went to training, cried 90% of the days since then, learned more about myself than I have in the past four years, raised $15,000, spent a week at my parent’s lake house, saw my family in new jersey, got a slr film camera and bought a bike:) It has been a rollercoaster to say the least.

Truly I could be an emotional drama queen right now but it has come to my knowledge that I have been saved by grace through faith in Christ Jesus, and I find my peace in that. It has been a hard past 3 weeks trying to get the rest of my needed funds to move to North Carolina as the semester began yesterday. Last week I wasn’t okay with the fact that I was going to be there. And then I spoke in front of the Grace Bible congregation. It was before them that God humbled me to speak reality to myself more so than to them. Its not about me.

In many ways it was about me. It was about me getting there in time. It was about me being the new help at Western. Now its not. Its about me realizing that God is at work without me. He is working hard at Western without me there, and even if I do go there he will be just about the same work. He has been at work here as well, in my own heart.

For the past three months as I have patiently raised money I have been avoiding the many things the Lord has been showing me with in my character and personality. I don’t think it appropriate to disclose every detail of all my faithlessness and sinfulness, but before you I acknowledge that I am just that. And if it weren’t for the grace of Christ paying my debt and counting me free I would definitely be in a bigger mess.

I have learned such a gratefulness through this process that I am so thankful for. Growing up I never knew what it was to be thankful or sincere, but with the love and support people have shown me I have learned to love the hand that gives, and gives generously.

While I am still attempting to raise the rest of the needed money to be able to move to campus, I find day by day my faith and relience on God’s hand in all of this. I pray that it all comes through. I pray that it all happens this week truthfully. I pray that I have faith in His time and not mine own. However I did have the dreaded conversation with my parents about what if. And the response was just as humbling as all of this. Learning to have a loving and sincere relationship with my parents is hard but refreshing. And somehow they have begun saying and doing the exact things I need in these moments.

This week is going to be a bit tough as I have to get quite a bit more commitments from people in order to continue on. However the most encouraging thing happened to me today. I got turned down from a church. True. But that was just the start. While I wasn’t expecting anything really from this church I contacted today cause I have no personal relationship there, what the fellow had to say was kind and genuine. We spoke for several minutes about RUF and what I was doing and how I became a Christian and how he became a Christian and then he asked to pray for me. Here I am calling this guy I have never meet, up at a church I have never been to, who I speak to for the first time and he prays for me over the phone. I don’t know if anyone has had this happen to them, but it brought me to tears. That is the love of Christ. That is the body of Christ.

And so God has been growing me and humbling me and teach me more about his grace and more about the grace others have towards us. I hope I can get to campus soon:)

Note: This was not proof-read before I posted it. With no internet on a daily basis there is no time for that.

Fell in Love with NC.

So you may or may not know that this past week I went to North Carolina. Well really the week started out with going to West Virginia to visit some family there. I stayed with my grandma who is the most amazing woman in the world. She gives when she doesn't get in return and she loves when she doesn't want any love in return. She really is THE most selfless person in this world, and it is beautiful. Therefore she spoiled me rotten by taken me here and there. She even knows me the best out of all my family members, minus my sister that is. She took me to one of the coolest places in West VA probably. It was a local art gallery and it was just a funny/fun place to go to with her.

Then on Wednesday I left to drive another 4 hours to NC. Little did I know that this was going to be the MOST beautiful drive ever. It certainly tops the charts. If you are ever in need of a good drive just go get on 26 around Tennessee and North Carolina and boom your there. MOUNTAINS are divine and not much traffic, along with a decent speed limit of 70. Anywho the drive was nice and Sylva/Cullowhee (where I hope to be moving in the fall) was just as beautiful. I really felt like I was in Colorado to be honest, or what I imagine Colorado to be because honestly I have never been there. Mountains so high, none of this rolling hill junk.

I got to stay with Dave Osborne, the campus minister I will be working with at WCU (who gave me two new books while I was there and if you want a way to this girls heart its through the giving of a book), and his family. Jennie his wife, Owen his six year old son who is the most hospitable six year old I know, Dabney his four year old daughter cute as a button and Bergan who is two and shook my hand when I left and said nice to meet you:) The highlight of the trip really. They were a wonderful family and I really hope to see much more of them here in the fall. I got to see the campus of WCU where they were doing much remodeling. But overall it reminded me a lot of JMU. Nice tight little campus with everything a student would need. I don't really see myself getting to lost in finding my way around there.

It was a true blessing to go and visit this place that has almost seemed imaginary until now. Now I have a picture in my mind of what it looks like, smells like, feels like, seems like, etc. At first I thought oh no maybe this was a bad idea if I end up not raising enough money and the visit would have been waisted. But honestly it was totally needed, whether I go or if I stay I am so excited about RUF at WCU and I am so excited to be pursuing it. Although at the moment I am wanting to rip my hair out because of moving and fund raising going on at the same time, and mind you I am not skilled in either area, I have that rest that abides in Christ and this short little trip has reminded me of that.

Pray for Finances! yes of course I need prayer for that and yes I need more money but I am staying faithful as I trust in God's true faithfulness in his glorious sovereignty. Pray for Dave and his family as they prepare for the semester. Pray for my moving back to my parents while in between things goes well and at a stress level of non-existent. Pray for the grace of Christ to abound so much in my life that it would know by all who surround me daily.

What have you been up to?

Working on my baby photography with the new babe in the family.

Took a guitar apart in order to make it into an art piece, it stopped there though.

Made some AmAzInG chili, turkey that is.

Made this and I was told it was lame. It has coins from everywhere I have traveled.

And this is my favorite. I finally framed my Love Spoon from Wales and have some Danishness behind it. So I have been up to a whole of distracting art stuff if you can tell. The summer has been really good, the weather has been amazingly mild. The fundraising is going, of course not the way I want it to but God is teaching me and sanctifying me and showing me all my flaws and all His Greatness. I am moving in exactly two weeks from today and it is the most mixed emotions I have ever had. Although I am not moving to North Carolina but back to my parents, hopefully only for a short period of time, I am excited for a change of scenery and sad to leave Richmond. I LOVE RICHMOND! And a tear will be shed on Thursday July 23rd.

Trusting God.

"To question the goodness of God is, in essence, to imply that man is more concerned about goodness than is God... To suggest that man is kinder than God is to subvert the very nature of God... It is to deny God; and this is precisely the thrust of the temptation to question the goodness of God." (145)

Asking.

So the first book on my reading this summer for RUF is this book called Asking by Jerry Panas. And it was AMAZING! If anyone ever finds themselves raising money for either a short-term mission trip or starting a whole new ministry or even doing a small part of a HUGE ministry like RUF, they should have the requirement of reading this encouraging book. Panas outlines not the methodology or tricks to fundraising but the real purpose and attitude we are to have. I was most encouraged by a few tidbits that I will share. One this "fundraising" that I and 41 other interns are currently doing is not "begging". I did have someone tell me I was too good to beg for money. And to them I now know the correct response. I am not to good to beg for money, BUT begging is not what I am doing. I am offering an opportunity to anyone and everyone to be apart of a mnistry that has a purpose for Christ, a goal for Christ, and will change and save real lives. To think about it in this way is extremely encouraging. This is an opportunity for us all to embrace Christ and the gifts he has given us to reach college students with the gospel for the gospel. Secondly there is no failure in this process. Christ does not need me. But he has called me in this moment to persue this ministry. If someone says "No" or "Yes" they are under the sovereignty of God. He says, "In his career Michael Jordon said he missed nearly 10,000 shots, lost over 3,000 games, and missed making the decisive shot dozens of times."-pg.13 He failed many times but that was also apart of his success. How encouraging! You're never a loser until you quit trying and you don't have to be great to start BUT you have to start to be GREAT!!!! I could say so much more about this book and how I completely understand why they require us to read it. For now I want to leave my fellow interns with this qoute,

"Get ready for the great adventure. Because of you and the funds you raise, you'll be directly reponsible, through your organization, for changing lives. You're making it happen."-pg.11