I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks.

It’s been 10 days. Weird, but true. Since then I turned down a job, got another job offer, applied for another job, got a job as a substitute teacher for rainy days, am going crazy thinking about grad school, bought a sofa and feel pretty much the same.

I thought that as soon as RUF told me it was over and that weight of fundraising was off of my shoulders I would be right back to a “normal” life. It’s not so simple. Now I have just picked up another weight; what am I doing? I usually laugh around every hour when I realize what I have been doing for that hour, or that day. So about the jobs, there are none I want and if there are guess what I am not “qualified” to them. Apparently in the four years I was in college they changed their minds on what qualifications means. Now it means you have to 5 years or more of experience doing exactly what the job you are applying for is. I’m sorry I am confused as to why anyone is applying to your open position that already has a job for a steady 5 years doing this SAME thing. Anyways it’s weird. You need experience, I get it.

So the jobs I want I can’t have and the jobs I get offered are stinky pay with no benefits. Needless to say I am still holding out but I will know in a week what the official deal is. In the mean time I am driving myself crazy thinking about graduate school. I always told myself that I wanted to either go to grad school or seminary and get a masters in counseling. And by always I mean in July I decided this. While yes the pregnancy center has been extremely good to me in spurring on my heart for counseling women, I find myself wanting to study it so badly. I find it all extremely interesting and to have a masters in a field where I can really see myself permanently is really exciting. I’ve also found out you can do numerous things with said degree and it interests me even more.

But here are my negatives. I don’t want to just do it cause its easy (even though it definitely won’t be). I don’t want to jump into fast either (although the application is due October 1^st). Money (ahhhhh what a scary thing, yet I think I can pay for it with me working).

Here I am left thinking still. But enjoying tremendously the grace of God and his provision in even the hard realities of life.

It's funny when you find things.....

Found this post lingering on my computer waiting to be posted but never having the chance. I figure why not............

I am definitely not one for words these days but I will attempt summarizing what is going through my thoughts as of now. As most you know by now I am no longer continuing with raising support because as of yesterday I am not an employee with RUF. I was around 20% short of a deadline I was suppose to meet on Monday. And it wasn’t an impromptu good-bye it was well thought out by the staff in Atlanta. Personally I wasn’t seeing how the rest of the finances would come about either. That’s not to say that I couldn’t have faith in God and his provision (as he has seemingly provided ever penny of the 50% I did get), there just comes a bit of concern when you are still in need of $15,000 and not sure that there is another person you know to ask.

This summer has been extremely hard, but worth every tear and laugh. It wasn’t really until two weeks ago that I begun to think “Oh no! This might not happen? What the hang!” And through those two weeks I learned more about my sin than the whole summer really. I learned about how eager I am to be independent apart from anything and everyone. How easily I am moved to immaturity when my “dreams” are threatened. That I have a lot of emotions that I have kept hidden away for a long time because of a wrong imagine of them being a weakness.

So when I got the dreaded email about this Monday being “the Monday” all those emotions came pouring out, I think it was best that I was by myself because frankly I would have put someone like me in the mental institution after that fit. But then I breathed and realized…… I am alive:) I am alive and my soul is well. I am alive in Christ. Yes tomorrow is going to be very confusing. Yes I love RUF and wanted so badly to be apart of what they are doing in the kingdom of Christ. Yes I thought Western was a perfect fit for me and that Dave was an amazing campus minister, one whom I would have gotten along well with. Yes I was following everything my heart wanted and now it can’t have it. But I am filled with a rest and peace that is only found in Christ Jesus.

Its funny when “dramatic” things happen say you thought you were doing one thing one day and the next have no clue what to do people start chiming in. Not to say it’s a bad thing at all, I personally think its great cause it shows people’s character and what they may have been through. Anyways I have had variety of response.

“Don’t worry God has something better.” – I personally don’t like this one. As a human my thinking is one track and one dimensional, I clearly don’t see anything better or I wouldn’t be so upset!

And then it just ends so there you go......